Thursday, 15 October 2015

Change Part 1

I have two children now; 4 year old Aoibheann and Oscar who is almost 4 months.  To say I have changed is an understatement. My life has changed for sure, but my mindset, my attitude, even to an extent my personality is different to what it was this time last year.

The past year or so has been a journey to say the least. We have an amazing little girl, the most wonderful little soul you could imagine and we thought, you know so its time to have another baby because, well, it's what we're supposed to do. So we conceived pretty quickly but one week before my 12 week scan I lost the little soul, the little heart that was living inside me had stopped beating. I was sad, but I accepted it. I understood that miscarriage is a very common occurrence and I consoled myself with the fact that we had our little girl and were luckier than most. Our little baby became Twinkle and we had a very personal little ceremony where we planted a nice flower and a rose quartz in a beautiful spot in the Wicklow mountains. We spoke about Twinkle, and Aoibheann, even now, asks about Twinkle and we wonder what he/she is up to up in heaven. It's nice. But if I'm totally honest I was so detached from the whole situation. I didn't feel the way I think I should have felt. My feeling chip doesnt work very well at the best of times but when something bad happens it goes into total malfunction mode.  I believe it's how I protect myself from being hurt. It's how I protect my heart and my heart really needs protecting. Writing this now I can feel the sadness clouding my heart. I miss Twinkle, I'm sure I do. But if I miss Twinkle it will hurt my heart and who wants that right? So 'I'm grand' as us Irish are so fond of saying, even when things arent grand. Especially when things aren't grand.

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