Thursday, 15 October 2015

Change Part 1

I have two children now; 4 year old Aoibheann and Oscar who is almost 4 months.  To say I have changed is an understatement. My life has changed for sure, but my mindset, my attitude, even to an extent my personality is different to what it was this time last year.

The past year or so has been a journey to say the least. We have an amazing little girl, the most wonderful little soul you could imagine and we thought, you know so its time to have another baby because, well, it's what we're supposed to do. So we conceived pretty quickly but one week before my 12 week scan I lost the little soul, the little heart that was living inside me had stopped beating. I was sad, but I accepted it. I understood that miscarriage is a very common occurrence and I consoled myself with the fact that we had our little girl and were luckier than most. Our little baby became Twinkle and we had a very personal little ceremony where we planted a nice flower and a rose quartz in a beautiful spot in the Wicklow mountains. We spoke about Twinkle, and Aoibheann, even now, asks about Twinkle and we wonder what he/she is up to up in heaven. It's nice. But if I'm totally honest I was so detached from the whole situation. I didn't feel the way I think I should have felt. My feeling chip doesnt work very well at the best of times but when something bad happens it goes into total malfunction mode.  I believe it's how I protect myself from being hurt. It's how I protect my heart and my heart really needs protecting. Writing this now I can feel the sadness clouding my heart. I miss Twinkle, I'm sure I do. But if I miss Twinkle it will hurt my heart and who wants that right? So 'I'm grand' as us Irish are so fond of saying, even when things arent grand. Especially when things aren't grand.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

How happy am I? It's a question I've been asking myself a lot. But what I've realised is that I would be doing myself a huge disservice if I answered that now. My happiness, you see, is so clearly based on what's around me, my environment. Or so it seems.

I have been off work for the guts of two weeks for Christmas and my 'happiness' level has been higher than ever. I have been spending time with my wonderful little family without the stresses and anxiety of my job and I've been 'happy'. But I'm back in work tomorrow and already my 'happiness' is beginning to fade.  So was I truly happy in the first place?

Happiness should really come from within. Clichรฉ I know but if I was truly happy surely I wouldn't let my job or my finances or other external factors so drastically affect my mood? So how can I LET myself be happy? (and I do believe it's only ourselves that determine our level of happiness). Well, I'm working on it. Like, REALLY working on it. I'm at pains to say New Year's resolution but this is one of mine - to find out how to be happy and, more importantly, how I can LET myself be happy.

2015 is going to be a very good year for me. It's the year of my happiness.  Real life happiness -๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜

Sunday, 13 May 2012

What a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL day.  The sun is shining and there's a lovely breeze in the air (great drying weather as my mother would say).  Remember school sports day?  It smells just like that, with the sunshine and the grass.  I just love it. 

Star, in my park.

I live right next door to a lovely big park.  Literally, my neighbour on my left is the park and it's great to be able to walk out my front door and into the park.  As much as I love the sea; the sound of the waves, so overpowering and infinite - I think I'm more at home with the trees and the woods and the grass.  There are times when I'm walking through the park or the woods and I get an overwhelming urge to....erm.... hug one of the trees (an urge I have not given into I would like to add).  I think I am a tree hugger at heart, seriously.  It's a very powerful feeling I get when I'm surrounded by trees.  They're truely majestic.  They've been there forever, just watching over the world, being all tall and green and amazing.  They make me feel so grounded.  I get this image in my head of myself hundreds of years ago walking barefoot through the forest,long red hair blowing in the wind, worshiping the earth and generally being all goddess like (it's MY image so I can romanticise as much as I like)......sigh.....

So back to my life living beside a park.  The downside unfortunately is that living beside a park attracts a lot of people who like to park outside my house and thus block my driveway.  This DRIVES. ME. MENTAL.  The main culprits are the young guys, the football players who are playing a match, obviously running late and who literally just abandon their cars and run off into the park.  On more than one occasion I have found myself running out the front door and into the park  "Excuse me! Excuse me! You! Hello"?! And they turn and look at me, stupid bewildered heads on them "Eh yeah"? So I say, all indignant "You're blocking my driveway. Move your car please" and I'm all geared up for an argument.  But they just say 'Oh God, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise. I'll move it now. Sorry missus'.   Sorry missus??  Missus?? I'm not that much older than you you little whippersnapper.  The bleedin' cheek!  But then I look down at myself and realise I'm still wearing the rubber gloves I had on when I first spotted the stupid football boy and his stupid car parking outside my house because I had been doing the dishes, and I think 'OK, fair point'.  So I retreat back into my kitchen to finish off the dishes, annoyed and insulted, and think back to my days of being a Goddess in the woods.....

Monday, 7 May 2012

One Small Step for Man.....

My gorgeous and extremely like minded friend Laura and I made a pact exactly one month ago that we would both stop talking through our backsides and instead BLOG through our backsides. 'On the 7th of May', we said, 'we have to have our blog uploaded, live and ready to go' we said. 'Or else' Laura very dramatically stated 'WE HAVE FAILED'!!

Eeek! and I'm off... This is my very first step on my journey into the future and the pressure I've put on myself is ridiculous, but it's also giving me quite a buzz.  Where do I start? What do I write?  My fingers are moving over the keyboard and I'm hoping something will just suddenly start to flow. Don't overthink it - that's something I tend to do a lot of these days.  Be organic. Yeah, be organic.

My dog is snoring in the corner with a huge white cone on her big brown head.  Her bed is by the radiator. The rain is pouring down outside.  My little girl is just sitting in her reclining high chair, looking around the room - at me, at Star (my brown dog with the white cone), at the plants, at the rain outside. She gives me an intermittent look and when I catch her eye I get a huge, dimply smile.  Right now in this room, at this moment, there is an overwhelming feeling of contentment.  I feel their contentment.  My dog and my baby girl. 

We all strive so hard to to obtain that something. Something that will make us happy, whether it be money, or power or....... but essentially we're all looking for a little contentment.  How many people do you think can take a step back, have a good look at their lot and say 'yeah..... I'm happy and content with my life.  I don't want anything more'. Can anybody really say that and mean it?  Maybe it goes against our human nature to not strive for more than what we have. We've got the house and now we want the car.  We've got the job, now we want HER job. We've got the dress, now we want the shoes.  And why am I using all material things as my examples?

I know what I want in life. I want happiness. I want contentment. I want the power to be happy and content.  I HAVE the power to make this happen. I will make this happen.................  So no more 'I want'. From here on in it's 'I will have'.  Yeah 'I will have'.  I like that.

I thought I would be ending this post with a note on how contentment is fleeting, citing that my little girl is crying and my dog wants to go outside. But no, my little girl has drifted off to sleep. Star has curled up closer to the radiator (I hope her cone doesn't melt...).  They're both snoring in unison.

Life is good :)